Thirty-thousand - that’s how many days you get if you’re lucky. Thirty-thousand sounds like a big number until you realize how fast these days go by and when they’re gone, you’re gone and there are no do-overs. So, please stop saying, “I’m not ready!” There will never come a time when you are readier than you are right now. Time won’t make you more ready – and, as mentioned, it’s not something we have in abundance.
So, this Valentine’s Day, I want you to try something really daring...
I am asking you to take the plunge and get serious about finding your soulmate. A successful life is not complete without a successful relationship. You won't know how true this is until you have one.
By now it should be clear that you are not going to find anyone by accident, or it would likely have happened by now. As with anything in life, it takes concerted action in order to be successful and it’s no different with finding your mate. If you haven’t been lucky until now it doesn’t mean there’s not a match for you. It means you've built up some baggage that’s blocking your way.
Ever since I found my forever-love, I see true soulmate-relationships everywhere - people who have been together for many years, yet are more deeply in love than the day they met. When I was still out there stumbling around in painful relationships, I thought everyone felt abused and neglected. I thought it was normal that people didn’t’ get enough sex, love or support, got cheated on, and more or less struggled to make it through. This had been my experience and it was reflected in the relationships I saw around me. Now I realize that relationships don’t have to be messy, ugly, lonely, or toxic. We carry our experiences with us, and they show up over and over again, one relationship mirroring the next. To my thinking, that was the way of relationships but in reality I was just seeing my own beliefs reflected over and over again, like a funhouse mirror distorting everything I saw.
When you set out to discover your soulmate it is vital to recognize your old belief patterns that have kept showing up for you. In my book,The List Method – the science-based way to find the love of your life, I offer a process I call Strategic Complaining where you are allowed one great big Whine-and-Cheese Party. You get to complain – out loud, on paper - about the wrongs been done to you over and over again. It’s nice to let it all hang out for once, and it's super helpful to become aware of the stories, patterns and the limitations you’ve set for yourself. Once that’s out of the way, you can set to making your List.
When you meet someone, whether set up by well-meaning friends or by coincidence at the supermarket, what do you really know about that person? How can you realistically expect that all the things that make each of you unique and complicated individuals will somehow magically match up, even if you find them attractive? Add to that people are usually on their best behavior and don’t show their true face when they first meet someone, and you have a crap shoot of epic proportions! Why base the search for the most important person of your life – the one with whom you expect to spend the majority of your lifetime as well as your money – on such terrible odds?
We don’t usually think of making a List when it comes to finding the partner of our dreams. For some reason, we don’t think making a list of the things we want in a partner will help us find one. A friend of mine once said, “I don’t believe all this List stuff. A List isn’t going to make someone who doesn’t exist suddenly appear!” My friend is right, a List can’t make someone who does not exist appear, but it can certainly help you find your soulmate, because you really do have one! You you special, but you are not so fatally unique that there is no match for you in the whole wide world. Your soulmate exists and is searching for you, just as you are for them. But in order to find them, you do have to be clear what you’re looking for.
In every area of life, we know that the more focused you are about what you want, the quicker it appears. If you’ve ever run a business you know that in order to be successful you need to have a very clear vision about what you want to achieve. You need a focused business plan, detailed projections, and a precise budget. You manage to those numbers, and you fully expect to achieve them. You don’t say, “Well, here’s the plan. Let’s see where it takes us!” You make grocery lists; to-do lists and a detailed list of the next car you want to buy – and you expect your lists to help you find what you’re looking for.
But when it comes to love, we have a disconnect. Somehow, we think that if we're too picky, we're either shallow or we will never find what we are looking for. And so, we lower our standards, and we compromise. It gets even harder as we get older, because with more disappointments under our belts, we get more and more “flexible” about what we’re willing to accept. Pretty soon, we’d try anyone who has a pulse, preferably warm-blooded, but we’d probably consider a reptile at this point. And despite all that “flexibility”, the results get worse and worse. How can this be? Easy! When you’re shopping in the bargain basement, you can’t complain about the lousy quality. So, what can you do differently to finally meet the real love of your life? You must realize that you are not trying to narrow the dating pool, instead, you are looking for the ONE person who is your perfect match. To find that one person, you must weed out all the others who are not that person. In other words, you must become more focused instead of more flexible.
To find this ONE person out of eight billion is less about looking for someone out there, and more about looking at yourself. Notice I didn’t say anything about changing yourself. There is some very bad dating advice out there, telling people that in order to attract a desirable partner you should try to make yourself appear most attractive. You should appear more interesting. You should take classes, go outside of your comfort zone and broaden your horizons. You should pretend to like things you don’t actually like – all in an effort to appear more attractive and interesting. The sad thought underneath is that you cannot possibly expect to be loved as you are, so you must act like someone you’re not.
Imagine you did meet someone who fell in love with you based on this glamorous image you projected. When would you tell him that you’re not actually into SCUBA diving with the sharks at the Great Barrier Reef – after the wedding? What if your chosen one lied to you in similar fashion and on your honeymoon, finally confessed that he loathes those quiet walks on the beach that mean the world to you, and that he’d much rather sit on the couch with a beer in his hand, watching the game. Lying to find your soulmate is not only misleading but is also a recipe for disaster.
In order to find the one that fits you like a glove it is essential that you are completely authentic. Remember, if they are your perfect match, they are looking for exactly whom you are. So, it would behoove you to spend some time figuring out who that really is. What is important to you? What are your highest values? What are your standards? What would your ideal life look like? Pretend you won the lottery, and you won enough money so that you'd never have to work again. There – you are completely free. Now ask yourself how you would spend the rest of your days?
Sometimes people say they would travel. Okay, so travel, you have enough money to do that now. Would you travel on a five-star budget, or would you rather go backpacking the wild country? What type of experiences would thrill you? Would you prefer to bask under an umbrella on a beach with an exotic cocktail in your hand, or would you like to trudge through the jungle to meet the native population and learn all about them? Whatever your deepest wish might be - obviously your soulmate would want the same. So, then here’s the first item you figured out for your List.
Piece by piece, as you figure out what your ideals are in every area of your life you extrapolate who your perfect partner would be, and you build your List. Nothing is off-limits, in fact, it’s all important. Sex, money, living space, political opinions, and intellectual pursuits. Are you looking for a he or she? Tall, dark, and handsome or blue-eyed Adonis? Looks are important because deep down you know whom you are looking for. You are not inventing someone, you are writing a description so you can find them quicker. Think of it as remembering them from your dreams. Rumi said, “Lovers don’t one day find each other, they were in each other all along.”
Perhaps you think that I’m a great big, fat romantic when it comes to relationships, but I’m actually not. Like everyone else, when I wrote my List I thought it would be nice to find a person I could get along with, but I didn’t really know what would happen. I arrived at my present point of view only after I found the love of my life and I discovered how good it can actually get. So many years into it, it is simply mind-blowing to me that it still gets better every day. We have reached a level of intimacy and deep, abiding love and appreciation neither of us ever even thought possible. Now I may sound like an incurable romantic, but in reality I am nowhere near romantic enough because there simply are no words to describe the reality of being with your One.
Kind Regards,
Marni
Are you looking for insights and answers to overcome personal tragedy and trauma, struggling with forgiveness and are you just looking for a mind-blowing good read?
Phoenix - A Reminder that Even in the Depths of Despair is Hope for a Brighter Future is out now and already getting great reviews...
REVIEW BY JOSHUA PHELPS
In "Phoenix – A Reminder that Even in the Depths of Despair There Is Hope for a Brighter Future," Marni Spencer-Devlin crafts a profound exploration of resilience, transforming adversity into a philosophical journey toward personal empowerment and inner peace. I find the book to be a beacon of inspiration, offering a roadmap for those seeking strength amid life's trials.
Spencer-Devlin's narrative is a tapestry of vulnerability and triumph as she candidly shares her own experiences with tragedy and trauma. Through her words, readers are invited into a philosophical contemplation on the transformative power of resilience. The author not only recounts her personal journey but also imparts invaluable insights and practical wisdom for those navigating their own paths toward healing.
The characters, in this case, the real-life individuals who populate Spencer-Devlin's narrative, are vividly portrayed. Their stories, woven together, create a collective narrative that underscores the human capacity for growth and renewal. Each account serves as a testament to the resilience of the human spirit, fostering a philosophical dialogue on the intersection of suffering and strength.
The thematic core of "Phoenix" revolves around the philosophical concept of rising from the ashes. Spencer-Devlin skillfully intertwines her personal anecdotes with broader philosophical reflections, inviting readers to ponder the universal themes of transformation, self-discovery, and the pursuit of inner peace.
The prose is eloquent and emotionally resonant, capturing the nuances of the human experience with sensitivity and grace. Spencer-Devlin's language is not only descriptive but also introspective, encouraging readers to engage in their own contemplative journey as they absorb the book's philosophical messages.
In essence, "Phoenix" transcends its role as a memoir, emerging as a philosophical guide for those navigating the complexities of personal trauma. Marni Spencer-Devlin's work serves as a source of inspiration and reflection, urging readers to embrace their resilience and find personal power and peace in the aftermath of life's challenges. I wholeheartedly recommend this book to those seeking philosophical insights into the transformative nature of human resilience.
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Tony Robbins says that love is the oxygen of the human soul, and he is spot-on! It’s why I wrote my book, The List Method – the science-based way to find the love of your life. I am thrilled to report that nearly everyone I know who has read the book has found love and is incredibly happy in their new relationship. It really blows my mind! What’s more, is that most of them read the book but by their own admission, did not actually do the workbook, AND IT STILL WORKED! Just reading the book and absorbing the information was enough to focus their attention and call the partner of their dreams into their experience. Deep down, everybody knows what they find most attractive; it’s just usually locked inside the subconscious where you can’t access it. Reading the book helps create the clarity that activates the law.
Sadly, there are also those who read the book yet still can’t meet anyone. Those are people who have subconscious barriers, old beliefs, and outdated views that block their desires and keep them from moving forward. It breaks my heart. They have no idea why they can’t seem to meet anyone they find even remotely attractive. These subconscious barriers are blind spots for them, and they are unaware that they are blocking their own path to happiness. When something is below your conscious awareness is very difficult to do anything about it.
Here is the issue that we all face - so much of our life is subconscious. The life we think we are living only takes place inside our own heads. Shockingly, we see only about 1% of the world clearly, and 99% of what goes on around us is pure conjecture of the mind*. We think we see the real world, but we just keep meeting our own beliefs over and over again. Our fears and beliefs are based on our experiences, interpreted inside our mind; mixed with our confirmation bias, they create those barriers of which we are barely conscious. We think we know what we want in life, but what’s holding us back from getting it is subconscious. Whenever we are not getting what we want, one thing is for sure: there is a corresponding subconscious belief that is blocking it. Of course, we have no idea this is going on; the only thing we know is that things aren’t moving forward for us.
At any time, you can look around and see something in your life that you don’t like, something you’d like to change. Don’t feel bad; it doesn’t mean your life sucks. In fact, this divine discontent we all feel is the basis for all evolution and improvement on this planet. We feel some type of negative emotion that drives us to investigate what’s wrong, and then we’re motivated to find the solutions.
But here is where the rubber meets the road. Once we’re aware of a problem, the big question is, what do we do about it? Of course, there are those who straight away visualize a desired outcome and forge ahead to find a solution. The majority of us, however, aren’t quite that focused. We’re fixated on the problem, wallowing in it and complaining about it with little progress, sometimes for years. You want to go to the gym, but you don’t. You want to go on a diet, but you keep eating donuts. In other words, we are hijacked by circular thinking. So, when you find yourself ruminating about everything that’s wrong in your life, and you’re beating yourself up about all the things you should be doing but aren’t, or even if you just find yourself staring off lost in space, it means that it’s not you who is running your thinking; your thinking is running you. In other words, something other than you is in charge of your destiny, and what’s in charge are your fears, your beliefs, and the barriers to your happiness.
The problem is that when your subconscious hijacks you, all the best self-help advice in the world doesn’t help you because you can’t do anything with it. By definition, you don’t have the ability to take conscious thought or action in the area of the subconscious. It's like you’re underwater, being tumbled along by the current. It does underscore the need to have a List, not just for finding the love of your life. You should have clarity about where you want to go in all areas of life so that even when you’re unable to take conscious thought, at least you end up somewhere in the vicinity of where you wanted to go. Clarity activates the law even if you’re not around for it.
Abraham/Hicks likens life to a river. When you are going with the Flow, it feels wonderful, and everything comes easily. When things aren’t going your way, however, it means you are swimming against the current. Not only are you working way too hard, but you also won’t end up where you want to go. When you’re caught up in the turmoil of negative thinking, there isn’t much you can do. It is, however, an issue that needs to be addressed because, unfortunately, we tend to drive where we look. By this, I mean that your primary energetic frequency creates your experience of the world. Negative energy and thinking will always take you where you don’t want to go.
So, while you may not be able to take much conscious thought, there is one simple question you can ask yourself: am I going upstream or downstream? Right now, in this moment, am I going with the Flow or against the current? Am I blaming, shaming, or thinking about how wrong and stupid everyone is, or am I feeling blessed? Without pinpointing specifics – which you can’t do in the subconscious – this much you can figure out.
Everything you want is downstream; it is a result of going with the Flow. If your inquiry tells you that your thinking is upstream, there are simple ways to turn your boat around: Take a deep breath. Turn on some music. Get up, stretch, and hop up and down a few times. Take your eyes off your cell phone or your computer for a moment and look outside. Expanding your view long-distance releases serotonin in the brain. Think of an area in your life where things are working that be actively grateful for it. Or simply put a smile on your face, even if it feels weird at the time. All these are simple, scientifically-proven strategies to change your state and expand your energy on the spot, no matter where you are at the moment.
Make this simple inquiry a habit. Awareness of whether your present thought is upstream or downstream has a tremendous impact and, over time, can permanently uplevel your energetic state. Life takes place inside our heads, and your experience of the world is entirely subjective. As you change your energy, your experience of the world changes with it, and you might just find that, overall, things are heading your way much more often.
70% of employees are unfulfilled and disengaged at work. 50% of all marriages fail, and even those who make it say it’s “hard work” keeping it together. The self-help industry is booming because people aren’t happy, and most can’t even really say why.
We got it good compared to prior generations! Our parents and grandparents took whatever job was available in order to make a living. Slaving long hours, often in untenable working conditions, they had no expectation of finding fulfillment in their work. When they decided it was time to have a family, they found a boy or girl from the neighborhood. In many cultures, it was the parents who picked the person with whom they would spend the rest of their lives. They had no say at all in the matter. The funny thing is that, for the most part, those arranged marriages actually worked. By contrast, we have complete freedom to choose. We can pick any line of work that interests us, and we still hate our jobs. We have access to potential partners from all over the world, and yet somehow can’t seem to make it work. Previous generations had nowhere near the freedoms and opportunities we have, yet somehow, they were happier because they never expected more.
Our parents and grandparents worked hard to ensure that our lives would be better than their own. Ultimately, they labored to give us the choices that have become the noose around our necks. Imbued with nearly limitless opportunities, our expectations are sky-high and getting higher because we have the audacity to expect happiness from our lives. Paradise is dangling in front of us like the proverbial carrot. Yet the only thing we know for sure is that whatever it was we were supposed to have - we don’t have it. When I was at the top of my career, I had built a multi-million-dollar marketing company with seventy employees, yet I was on anti-depressants. I had a mansion overlooking the ocean in Southern California. Still, the voices of the dark demons of depression were far louder than the crashing waves below me, obliterating the sun before it could even rise. I was deeply unhappy, and I couldn’t figure out why. Moreover, I beat myself up for being unhappy when I had so much. What was wrong with me, to be so ungrateful in the middle of all that luxury?
Hard To Find It When You Don’t Know What It Is
Here then, is the reason for all that unhappiness: The generations before us taught us to want more, but they never taught us how to figure out what we actually wanted. (It’s not something they would have known about.) We never learned to ask ourselves the right questions, and so we forged ahead blindly. More, better, faster - and in the end, we feel betrayed and disillusioned when we find ourselves burned out and exhausted, wondering what it was all for. Fulfillment remains elusive because it’s hard to find what you’re looking for when you don’t really know what that is. Our relationships are on such shaky grounds because here, too, we search without any clue what we’re looking for. The only thing most people are able to say is that they’d like to find someone “nice” (whatever that means!) They'll go to a bar, to church, or search online, and if they come across someone who is interested in them, they’ll go on a date, happy to compromise their needs and adjust their values to try to make it work. Finding your soulmate should not be about hooking up with someone who more or less fits the bill and then bending yourself into a pretzel to make it fit. The love of your life should be easy. It should be the best thing that’s ever happened to you. It should be joyful! The love of your life should be someone who delights you, someone who adores you and is 100% perfect for you in every way. Of course, the notion that you would find such a person by sheer luck without any planning or forethought is ludicrous!
There is a basic rule: In order to find what you are looking for – in life and in love – you must, at the very least, be able to describe it. So, in order to define what you are looking for, you must get to know yourself. Notice that did not say change yourself! Don’t buy into the myth that you must first become a perfect version of yourself in order to get what you want.
Everyone Is Telling You to Change
I mean, I get it! All your life, everyone has been telling you that you need improvement! Our greatest fear is that the real reason we don’t have what we want is that we’re somehow inadequate. It doesn’t help when people like Gloria Steinem say stuff like, “Too many people are looking for the right person instead of being the right person,” Meaning what? – that you have to become someone you’re not in order to earn the right to look for your soulmate? Advertisers, too, take full advantage of your fears in order to sell you their wares. Doesn’t every advertisement and TV commercial essentially tell you that if you used their product, then you’d finally be enough? If you used that toothpaste or wore these clothes, you’d be part of the in-crowd. If you drove a Lincoln MKC, you would be as cool as Matthew McConaughey. In other words, you would finally be worthy of love! Even pharmaceutical companies get in on the act – ask your doctor if this drug is right for you so you, too, can run on the beach with your puppy, laughing and playing, surrounded by wonderful friends and family, because those people have it made!
It’s all a lie! A new car, the right clothes or some drug can't bring happiness. Happiness doesn’t come from the outside; it starts on the inside. It doesn’t come from changing who you are. Quite the contrary, it comes from honoring who you are! It comes from self-respect. It comes from self-care. It comes from being present enough with yourself to know what you need and want. You will never find fulfillment in a career that requires skills you don’t have, and you won’t find happiness in a relationship where you can’t be yourself. There is only one path to happiness, and that is being absolutely 100% authentic.
How to Get Happy
So how do you find happiness? It’s less about trying to find something out there and more about what’s within you because once you have developed a clear vision of what you want, what you are looking for will find you. In order to get what you want, first, you must know what you want. You must go on a journey of self-discovery. You must ask yourself the all-important question, what do I really want from life? What are my strengths? What do I love most? What are my highest values and standards? What do I hold dear? I promise you it’ll be fun! When you are clear on these things, it's so easy to figure out whom and what will bring you the greatest balance and happiness. It’s an important process, and you owe it to yourself to discover what makes you tick. It can be overwhelming. So, in order to make it easy, I have created a workbook with all the most important questions to ask yourself. It’s yours for free, and you can download it here. I promise you your life will never be the same. When you know how your ideal life looks and feels, providence will take hold of you and propel you into the future of your dreams.
Learn more about the process by reading The List Method.
The List Method is a simple step-by-step way to find the love of your life. It is based on neuroscience and helps you uncover and clear away past roadblocks to a successful relationship. You’ll come to understand your own deep needs and desires and then create a crystal-clear vision of the partner of your dreams. It does not have to take a long time. Armed with a clear List, it could potentially take only days for you to find what you’re looking for. Guaranteed!!
Maybe you’re just kidding yourself, thinking that life can get better. Let’s face it; people don’t really change. Maybe you’d be better off thinking a little more within the realm of possibility for yourself. At least, that’s what my mother would have said. My mother called herself a realist. She believed that things were the way they were, and that was that. Maybe she had become disillusioned by her own life experiences, or perhaps it was just because she was German. I don't know. All I know is that whenever, in my child-like exuberance, I would run to her and tell her about something I wanted to be when I grew up, she would invariably rain on my parade. She would enumerate the reasons why it was impossible and why it was best not to try. She wasn't trying to be mean. She meant well. Of course, she was horribly wrong. Realism says that things are the way things are, and it is unrealistic to expect them to change. In other words, realism enshrines the status quo. Realists think they see the world as it is. They don’t realize that they are merely seeing their own beliefs materialize over and over again. My mother didn’t know about neuroscience and that we are not able to experience something unless we believe it is possible. She didn't know the preemptive power that beliefs hold in framing our reality. It breaks my heart to think how much life my mother missed out on because of this one big faulty belief!
The World Is Real – You’ve Just Never Been There!
Here is a scientific fact I just learned recently that shocked me. When we say that the world we live in is of our own making, it is meant literally. We think that our brain takes in the world as it really is, but that’s not true. It turns out that, for the most part, it just makes things up. In reality, you only see a tiny fraction, about 1% of the world around you clearly. Specifically, you see the area you focus on; the rest is more or less a blur. Right now, you’re reading this article, and naturally, you see the screen clearly, but you are only vaguely aware of the rest of the room you’re in. Of course, you could look at the room, but then that would become your new focus, and then the screen you were looking at would become part of the background. For you to perceive the entire picture around you, your brain would have to be 600 times bigger than it actually is. Hardly efficient! Your brain literally only scans the tiny little point of focus you are looking at. It does not have actual informational data for the rest of the room, so it simply makes it up. It uses past memories about the room you’re in and also adds what it expects to happen in the future to provide you with a complete illusion of your surroundings. This is not just true for the room you’re presently in; this is the case under all circumstances. 99% of what you believe to be factual about the world around you is pure conjecture. There is a real world out there; you’ve just never actually been there!
Your brain creates its own reality based on your experiences, the things you’ve learned, and what you’ve come to believe and expect about the world. If we were in a room together, we would probably agree on the color of the walls and the type of furniture we’re sitting on, but in truth, we would each experience something different. Everyone has had a different life; therefore, everyone developed a slightly different brain. We are as unique on the inside as we are on the outside. Color, for example, is not an actual thing; it is an interpretation of the individual brain. Color consists of colorless light waves. When the eye perceives light waves, they travel to an area deep in the back of the brain where, depending on their wavelength, they are interpreted as a specific color. However, each person's brain processes this information in a unique way. Every brain sees and thinks a little differently.
What’s Your Reality?
Every brain comes up with its own reality. Although we’re similar in many, many ways, and we all occupy roughly the same space in the cosmos, people’s lives can differ vastly from your own. There are as many different realities as there are people. Some people occupy a different physical reality. I watched a YouTube video the other day about people whose body control is on another level. Some could leap into summersaults from standing still. They did not appear to be subject to the same laws as gravity as I, whose body creaks when I get up from a chair. I can literally not imagine moving that quickly and powerfully. Sometimes, even people who live right alongside you can still occupy a completely different dimension. My partner, the love of my life, apparently lives in a dimension that’s vastly different from mine. In 2016 she did something that would be completely unfathomable to me. At the age of 62, she climbed into a tiny, 21-foot rowboat and rowed the Pacific 2,500 miles from California to Hawaii. Without a motor, without a safety boat, relying only on her own strength. She faced unimaginable fear and loneliness. Can you imagine being a tiny speck in the vast expanse of the Pacific, particularly at night? She braved 30ft waves when a hurricane came up. She dealt with the discomfort of being exposed to the elements and wet and salty for 47 long days. This is just one of the many incredible feats she has performed, such as swimming around Manhattan Island or bicycling from Los Angeles to Atlantic City in the Race Across America, which she won. I occupy the same space as this person, yet I can’t comprehend the dimension of thinking that is required to want to undertake such feats. Me, I love spy stories and love watching spy movies. They’re fun and exciting, but, of course, for me, they’re fantasy. Yet, while I’m sitting comfy and cozy in my favorite rocking chair, there are thousands of men and women around the world who really are spies! People who risk life and limb, physical torture, and imprisonment, who shun all the things that are meaningful to most of us, love, family, security, and the simple joy of living, all for the thrill of it. They have created a reality for themselves that is very different from yours and mine.
Although our realities may be far less dramatic, we each live in worlds that are of our own making – simply because that’s how the human brain works. The reality we create for ourselves is undergirded by our personal beliefs, memories, and expectations. Some people create realities for themselves where they don’t have enough money or where their bodies are unwell. Perhaps the biggest fear people face is that they are somehow not enough, that they are inadequate and don’t measure up. They dream of being loved, as does everyone, but they do not believe that they are worthy. Based on their beliefs, memories, and expectations, they created a reality where no one can and will ever love them. They cannot fathom a reality where someone would be madly in love with them and worship the ground they walk on. If they were capable of imagining such a sweet dream, they would already have it. Instead, they are prisoners of their own beliefs, and their life is a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Realism is a self-fulfilling prophecy.
When you know the science of how and why we perceive the world, you have a choice. You can accept the status quo and believe the story that your brain tells you, or you can chuck the so-called realism and be, do, and have anything you want. Remember that what you call “real” is 99% made up by your brain. It’s made up of nothing but your old beliefs, your bad memories, and your low expectations of what might be coming next. You are living a self-fulfilling prophecy, doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome. Successful people are called changemakers for a reason. They refuse to let life just happen to them. By definition, change cannot be created by accepting things as they are. Change does not come from being "realistic." To create change, you must go against the existing norm. You must do something different. For your world to expand to the life you want to live, you must expand your current belief system – and, as crazy as it may sound, this requires you to be UN-realistic. Don’t believe when your brain tells you that nothing will ever change. It is lying to you! When writing your List of the love and the life you want, you must allow yourself to dream and dream BIG, or nothing will ever change. Go for the gold! Lukewarm doesn’t cut it because it doesn’t generate excitement, and excitement is the fuel necessary to start your engines. (Remember, it’s all energy!) The big stuff, the stuff you really want, doesn't just fall into your lap. It can’t be found by being realistic. Don’t settle for the status quo. Make a conscious decision to broaden your horizons. You must allow yourself to see and do things differently, or you'll never get to see the huge world of possibilities that literally exists just outside your current point of view.
The Personal Development industry is expected to rise to fourteen billion dollars by next year. That is serious money, and it tells you that people are serious about wanting change. More money, more love, more health, and less weight. Clearly, people are willing to put their money where their mouth is in order to be happier. They buy books and online courses; some even hire coaches. But despite all the money and all the effort, the change they create is rarely ever permanent. New ways of doing things fall by the wayside. Diets and gym memberships are abandoned. Expensive vitamins are shelved. I’m reminded of those contestants on the TV show, The Biggest Loser, who worked so very hard, yet within a couple of years, every last one of them had gained back every ounce they had lost. As frustrating and disappointing as it may seem, there is a very simple reason why things go back to the way it was before, and thankfully there is an easy way to change it.
You only experience the world through the framework of your existing beliefs. In fact, every single experience you have is the result of a belief in your mind. Beliefs are powerful. They are much more than just mere mental concepts; they are physical manifestations in the brain in the form of neural connections. When you think a thought often enough, the nerve fibers in your brain that are involved in that particular thought physically begin to reach out to one another to form bridges, so-called synaptic connections. Once these nerve bridges are formed, thought energy travels along those lines habitually. It’s like the road that you drive to get to the grocery store. There might be another way of getting there, but you take the one you're used to taking. Once a belief has been formed, your thinking in that area becomes set. It becomes the way you see the world, which then also determines your experience in that regard. That's why it's so hard to create any kind of real change in your life. While you may sincerely want to change a certain condition, your beliefs and your thinking are still running along the same old roads they've always taken, so it's no wonder you always end up in the same place.
Let's use the example of weight loss since it is such a ubiquitous problem. Billions of dollars are spent on diets and weight loss strategies. Your Facebook feeds are full of experts nobody has ever heard of, promising new insights on why your last diet didn’t work! It was the wrong foods at the wrong time, your hormones, or the wrong exercise routine. While I certainly encourage everyone to do their research and find a healthy balanced diet and exercise routine that is right for them I'm also telling you that no weight loss strategies can or will work unless you first change your self-image. In other words, unless you change what you think and believe about yourself all diets are useless!
Here’s why: Your body is an extremely sophisticated system programmed to maintain itself within very strict parameters. Blood pressure, chemicals, and hormones are all constantly monitored and adjusted to the best of the body’s abilities. Your body temperature is set at 96.3 degrees. If you get too hot and your core temperature rises, your body responds immediately. We find sweating annoying but just think of the sophisticated processes that must take place for your body to sense the rising temperature, sound the alarm, gather liquid from wherever it can inside your body, and then push it out through the pores in order for the air to cool you back down. Your body also has set parameters for your weight, which are determined by your thought about yourself.
When you go on a diet, your body neither knows nor cares that you're simply trying to fit into that new bikini; it thinks something is seriously wrong! If the diet goes on long enough to the point where you’re losing actual substance, your body considers it a real emergency. At first, it will simply send you hunger signals. “Eat, for God's sake! We're dying down here!” When that doesn't work, your body will send cravings for higher-calorie foods to rectify the situation. Haven't you ever noticed that the moment you decide to go on a diet, you're hungrier than ever? Doughnuts started looking good, even if you normally don’t even eat donuts! That's simply your body's survival mechanism doing its best to keep up the calories. If you keep insisting on your diet, the body will go into overdrive. It will slow your metabolism, trying to use the measly supply of calories more efficiently. You could gain weight on a lettuce leaf! Finally, when none of these strategies work, your body comes at you through your subconscious. That's the time when hapless dieters find themselves with their heads buried in the refrigerator, eating whole pints of ice cream. Later, they berate themselves and wonder why on God's earth they did it, without any idea that they are fighting their very own body’s efforts of trying to keep them from starving to death.
No diet can possibly work in the long run unless you first change the body’s internal parameters about your weight. Long before you change your eating habits, you must change your mind; you must stop thinking of yourself as fat; otherwise, you’re just banging your head against a cement wall. The funny thing is, that once you've successfully changed your mindset about your weight, diet becomes a moot point because now your body will do all in its considerable power to move and keep you within the new parameters. You suddenly won’t feel hungry; your metabolism will speed up, the weight will drop off of you, and it must stay off – because the new parameters are gospel!
The question is, how can you change your mind when you haven’t yet experienced the reality you’re trying to create? You can study the piano and practice every single day, and you will eventually create new neural pathways, but how do you practice having more money? How do you practice being skinnier? How do you practice being in a blissful relationship with the love of your life when you have no idea what that kind of love actually feels like? Turns out, there is a powerful way to create the necessary synaptic changes before the actual change, and it’s called visualization.
Visualization is the practice of imagining yourself once your final goal has occurred. It is a scientifically proven method to create changes in synaptic connections in the brain. Athletes have been using visualization to improve their performances for quite some time. Scientific studies have found that the same nerve centers fire whether an athlete is visualizing a routine or whether he is actually, physically doing it. The mind cannot distinguish between a physical reality and an imagined one. In this way, improvement can take place even though the athlete is not yet physically able to perform at the new higher level. Visualization is the way to get you there.
The more real and immersive you can make the process of visualization, the quicker your brain will be able to build synaptic connections. We’re not all visually oriented; some people are more auditory, and some are kinetic. A scent, for example, creates a powerful sense-memory in nearly everyone. Use whatever is your most powerful influence to make the scene as real as possible. Imagine yourself having achieved your desired outcome; see yourself but also imagine the sounds and smells and the physical sensations you will feel. Finally, and perhaps most importantly, imagine how you will feel when you achieve your desire. Feel the gratitude, joy, confidence, and competence you will feel when you arrive. Emotions are perhaps the most powerful component to create lasting synaptic connections. Sometimes an emotion alone can be strong enough to have a permanent influence on your mind.
Visualization usually doesn’t work immediately. It takes practice, and there are two reasons. Firstly, the act of visualization itself is new to you, and it will take some time to learn to use all your senses for an immersive experience. Secondly, you don’t yet have a frame of reference for the goal you are trying to envision. After all, that’s why you are trying to visualize it in the first place. But I promise you, with diligent practice, you will get there! Be patient with yourself, but please stick with it! It’s literally like riding a bicycle - with practice, you won’t fall anymore off anymore, and eventually, you’ll become a champ at it. Repetition is key. I recommend doing a visualization of your goal at least twice a day, once in the evening when you go to sleep and then again when you wake up in the morning when you’re very relaxed. Visualization doesn’t have to be a long, drawn-out process. Five to ten minutes is more than enough. Such a small effort to impact your mind so that the change you want becomes permanent! Visualizing works on all goals, big and small, and it can work very quickly. In fact, the time it takes to create a successful, permanent change in your life depends entirely on your diligence and ability to build the necessary synaptic connection in your mind. Change does not have to take years or months; it can happen in just days!
One caveat: everybody seems to want more money, so people have often tried using visualization to create greater abundance, and it has created some problems for them. When people want more money it is usually because they are so painfully aware that they don’t have enough of it. So, when they try to visualize themselves swimming in a pool of abundance, their thoughts are hijacked by their fear of not making ends meet. Instead of thinking of what they want, they think about what they don’t have. Fear is a very powerful emotion, and so oftentimes, it becomes the prevailing thought that drowns out all the others, the existing synaptic connections for the lack, rather than building new ones for abundance.
Lastly, I want to talk about my favorite subject: If you are looking for the love of your life and are unsuccessful it is because your old beliefs are getting in the way. Perhaps you're unconsciously still thinking about your ex. (That’s what happened to me!) Or maybe you remember the pain when someone cheated on you. If it keeps happening that people you meet and like, are suddenly ghosting you, perhaps you simply feel like you’re too old, and deep down, you fear that nobody would want you the way you are. It is always your current beliefs that are creating your current experience. Please take heart! I promise you that your perfect lover is still out there, but they won’t just show up by accident. I know you hate to hear it, but you must do the work; otherwise, you’re just doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome. Please go and 1) Read the book, The List Method. 2) Complete the workbook and make your List. 3) Use the two visualizations I’ve provided for you at the link above.
You can be, do, and have anything you want, but in order to create change, you must first change your mind. So, visualize the life and love of your dreams, and then step boldly forward into your new reality!
Anything can happen. Anything happens all the time, but when bad things happen to good people it leaves us wondering why. Many people struggle with the question of how a supposedly loving God could allow innocents to fall prey to cruel and painful fates. I believe that the majority of people believe that things simply happen with no rhyme or reason and that there’s no telling why some get hit, and some get lucky. We’re tapping in the dark. We’re not unlike that protagonist in the 1980 movie, The Gods Must Be Crazy, who found a Coca-Cola bottle that had dropped from an airplane, in the middle of the Kalahari desert. Living far from industrialized society and knowing nothing of Coca-Cola or airplanes, the man decided this shiny object must be a gift from the gods. Because that’s what we do when we have no other explanation – we turn to myths and superstitions in an effort to fill in the gaps, sometimes to our great detriment. In the middle ages, if you were a successful woman or a woman who had too many kids, or a woman who had no kids, or for that matter, if you simply knew how to swim, you ran the risk of being accused of witchcraft and being tortured to death. It sounds totally nutty, but people tend to take their superstitions very, very seriously!
We're captives of our own beliefs which only allow us to perceive the world through a very narrow lens that prevents us from seeing the larger picture. Of course, everybody always thinks that they see the situation clearly, but in truth, we’re only capable of perceiving a very limited scope of reality. We literally cannot understand, or even see, anything outside of our established neural framework. To make things worse, we are driven by all kinds of fears. We have this pre-programmed instinctual drive to flee or fight whenever we find ourselves in unknown circumstances – and we’re always in unknown circumstances! Who knows what any given day might bring? This fight or flight instinct served us well in days gone by when we had to escape from lions and tigers and bears, but it does very little good today if we’re staring down a scary diagnosis. This constant daily grind wears on us, and we find ourselves overwhelmed, overbooked, overtired, overweight, and dragged down. We’re anxious because we sense our own vulnerability, and don’t feel in control. We feel like deer in the headlights, and so we go on autopilot. We look neither left nor right, put one foot in front of the other, and try not to think too hard. Then we turn on the TV to live in someone else’s reality show. Autopilot keeps us from taking conscious action and causes us to do the same things over and over again. It means that nothing ever changes, but there’s a kind of comfort in that. It’s the devil, you know, but it's also a dangerous neighborhood. Nothing good ever happens there.
The fact is that nothing just happens out of the blue. Every effect must have an originating cause, and if we were able to see the big picture this would be clear as day to us. God does not “allow” bad things to happen to people, nor good things, for that matter. The universe is set up in a far bigger, much more wondrous way than we can even imagine. We live in a limitless universe, full of infinite possibilities. Look up at the night sky. You can actually see the boundless infinity that surrounds us! In every moment, the entire scale of possibility is available to us. It’s not that in the next moment, only this one thing can happen; we are never limited in any way. This is why the discovery of quantum physics was so important. It proved scientifically that all possible outcomes are inherent until an event comes to a conclusion. A spinning coin is both heads and tales until it is stopped. In other words, nothing’s over until the fat lady sings! Of course, by necessity, the scale of limitless possibility is infinite in both directions. And yes, it's true that this includes anything from the greatest horror to the very best outcome imaginable. But here’s the shift in thinking and the most important part: You are not hopelessly exposed to these outcomes! You have the power to decide where you place yourself on the scale of infinite possibility. You determine the game you’re playing by the energy you contribute.
Everything is energy, and energy is everything. We know this from high school chemistry, but rarely do we consider the massive implications for our daily existence. All matter in the universe is primarily made up of energy. An atom is 99.9% energy and only 0.1% matter. The vibration of the energy determines its attributes. Imagine every experience is like a radio station – you have to turn your dial to tune in to hear the music. You are made of energy, so you are always tuning to something – you can’t help that. However, whether the music you are hearing is pleasing to you or not depends on where your radar is turned. You’re free to turn your dial anywhere but turn you must. The universe does not judge bad or good. Every frequency can either be disrupted or commuted. You can rain on the most beautiful parade if you so choose. But also, you can turn every seemingly negative experience into the best thing that’s ever happened to you – all by a simple shift in perspective, a shift in energy.
Modern science is now trying to help us understand that the frequency of your energy does not only affect the way you feel, but it also affects the real-life outcome of any situation you are facing. The energetic frequency in which we exist determines what happens to us in our lives. The currently prevailing worldview, which is steeped in an atmosphere of fear, superstition, and overwhelm, creates, at best unpredictable, and primarily undesirable outcomes. You can see it in the world we are experiencing today. Those are the bad energetic neighborhoods you want to stay away from.
I have often talked about how, for example, the energy frequency in which you exist determines everything, but especially your health. Every disease carries a certain frequency that disrupts the nominal frequency of a healthy cell. Energetic frequencies can be affected physically or emotionally. You can make yourself sick either by eating terrible foods or by living in a constant state of fear, anger, resentment, or other chronic negativity. You can feel in your own body that fear begets more fear, anger begets more anger, and that love begets more love.
This is such a new way of looking at things that, in many ways, we are like children in this. We have to learn to control our energy, just like we once had to learn how to walk. In fact, I believe that this is the next step in human evolution. It is well worth the effort because the implications are so huge! It means that we can truly have and be and do anything we desire.
The first and most important step is to recognize that YOU are the determining factor in your life. YOU are the cause of every effect in your life. There is NO OUTSIDE INFLUENCE that causes anything to happen to you. There is no God that “allows” bad things to happen to you. Bad things don’t happen to good people; bad things happen to sloppy-energy people. Look at your chronic behavior patterns. Do you recognize how the current situation came to be?
You have been endowed with an awesome power to master your own fate and live your very best life. Now you must learn to wield that power responsibly. Guard your energetic vibration with utmost alertness. Don’t let anyone or anything affect you in a negative way. Walk away. Of, if that is not a possibility, remember that anything can be turned into a positive, simply by turning the other cheek – meaning by shifting your perspective. Ask yourself, where is the good that I am currently not seeing? This question is a potent antidote to alleviate the poison of a bad situation and the fear it brings. The cool thing about infinite possibility is that there are always equal parts good in even the seemingly worst situation. Many years ago, when I was sentenced to prison, I thought it was the worst thing that could happen to me. I was absolutely filled with terror. When I walked through the prison gates, my heart hammered so hard in my chest that it was visible through my t-shirt. But I could not live with this terror forever, so, I shifted my perspective. I decided to look at my prison sentence as an opportunity, my personal rehab, giving me time to really work on myself. By the time I was released, I was a completely new person, and just a few years later, my new energy helped me become a multi-millionaire. I don’t think that would have been possible without the time I got to spend in “the worst thing that ever happened to me.”
It would behoove you to do all you can to raise the frequency of your energy. In other words, do what makes you feel good! So, don’t be so glum and serious! Laugh! Watch funny YouTube videos! Laughter is an extremely strong energy shifter that releases hormones that heal and balance the mind and body. Sing! Dance! Meditate! Spend time doing activities that make you feel expansive – whatever that means for you. When I make my art I go into an almost trance-like state of creativity. It feels wonderful, and so I know it is good for me. Exercise! Move your body! Eat tasty, healthy foods to nourish yourself. Breathe deeply! Long inhales through the nose increase energy. Conversely, longer exhales are calming to the nervous system. Finally, take a little time each morning to bask in the miracle of your life. You get to be here! Imagine that! Appreciate all the things you take for granted: a warm, soft bed, clean water, clean clothes, a good breakfast, and the love of your family and friends. Appreciation for the many wonderful things in your life is a good way to expand your vibration. I like to say that appreciation is a real estate term – it means something is worth more than it was before. Everything in your life becomes more precious when you take the time to appreciate it. It makes you feel better, and that raises your energy. Get off autopilot and make a conscious decision to have fun today. When you begin your day in a state of high energy you’re in a good neighborhood, and you can be sure that something glorious is coming your way!
I recently had a bit of a scary diagnosis that requires emergency surgery. I'm very lucky in that, and I have the most excellent care around me, certainly, from the amazing love of my life, but also from wonderful friends and family. I feel pretty good about what’s ahead. In fact, I expect smooth sailing and a perfect outcome, but sometimes well-meaning people who insist on dumping their worst fears on me don’t make this outlook so easy to maintain.
The whole situation is making me realize that, as much as we think of ourselves as evolved and top-of-the-food-chain, humanity is, in many ways, still very much in its infancy. What we consider modern man evolved approximately 200,000 years ago, but the beginnings of any kind of civilization didn't spring up till 194,000 years later. What I consider the age of reason, where we are finally starting to begin to understand how the world actually functions, only began with the onset of science. Albert Einstein, who gave us many fundamental advances about life, and even life after death, only lived some 70 years short ago. That's a blip in human history, and let's face it, most of us still don't really have a real clue about what Einstein was talking about and how it could fundamentally affect our daily lives. We still don't really fathom that everything is energy. Most of us still think of the physical world as a solid matter. We ignore that everything is made of atoms, even though most of us were forced to sweat through Chemistry in high school. We know building a house requires an excavator and heavy machinery, but even such a seemingly solid structure evolved from an idea. Everything starts as energy, as thought, as an idea that eventually evolves into the physical manifestation (and even that is 99.9% energy)
You ask, what does all this have to do with emergency surgery? Well, I noticed that the moment we’re faced with a scary situation, we immediately revert to our 200,000-year-old ancestry – and I mean the one before civilization popped up. We revert to fear, superstition, and delusion. We talk about good thoughts and remaining positive, but for the most part, it’s just a desperate act. In reality, we hope for the best but expect the worst. Why do we do that to ourselves?
I talk about this phenomenon in my book The List Method. I wrote: “I go completely nuts when people talk about hoping for the best but preparing for the worst. It is an impossibility, a contradiction in terms, based on pure ignorance of how things work. When you are preparing for the worst, it means you are orienting your radar toward the worst-case scenario. In essence, you are asking your reticular activating system to highlight only those worst experiences for you. Your orientation creates the filter that ensures you must experience only that. There is no possible scenario where you could be oriented toward the worst but accidentally experience the best. You simply cannot look both ways at the same time period. You can only see that to which you're oriented. You can't see the thing you're looking away from. You won't be able to see the best while you're focused on the worst; it will simply slip by. Just like you can only reap what you sow - you can't plant potatoes and expect to pick daisies. When you sow the worst- that’s precisely what you will reap.”
And why are we so bent on being prepared for the worst, anyway? Will it make the worst, if indeed it were to come, even the slightest bit more palatable? Would it make it easier to bear if we knew about it ahead of time? Is there even the slightest benefit in driving yourself crazy prior to the anticipated event? If anything, you'll be a complete wreck when it’s finally time to face the music - right when it would behoove you to be at your most calm and mature. Fear is a very powerful emotion. It triggers a whole cascade of hormonal changes in the body, all of which serve to weaken the immune system, the nervous system, and the body’s ability to heal. The body has a credo: survival first, maintenance second. When your body is in survival mode, your heart beats faster, your blood pressure rises, and your adrenaline flows - enabling you to flee or get ready for a fight. Normally the body's normal healing ability is nothing short of miraculous, but under those circumstances, the healing process is pushed to the back burner. Nerves, too, are much keener to give you an edge in a potential fight, but when there is no fight, when you're lying in bed trying to heal, edgy nerves only make you feel pain more acutely.
Niels Bohr, the father of Quantum Physics and contemporary of Albert Einstein showed that, as long as an event is still in progress, all possible outcomes are inherent – meaning anything literally can happen until the event is decided. This is probably the thing that drives us as human beings the craziest. On the surface, it seems to say that we are nothing but pawns of a capricious fate, our lives decided by a mere roll of the dice. In reality, however, it means that we are literally unlimited! It means that all possibilities are open to us, simply because we have dominion over our focus.
Here’s the thing: No matter what happens, no matter the circumstance - nobody can ever tell you what to think! They could throw you in prison, but still, but your thoughts would still be free! Focus, belief, desire, and expectation are your most powerful attributes because you have FULL CONTROL over them. You alone hold decision-making powers over your fate because you alone can decide what you allow yourself to think about. In other words, you get to decide the energetic frequency in which you want to swim. That’s the God-given Law that puts you in charge of your existence!
Yes, of course, fear will come up. That's your normal, built-in survival instinct. Your subconscious is always scanning for potential danger. And any unknown feels like a potential danger. It’s a pain in the neck, but you can’t turn it off, no matter what, so you might as well get used to it. Fear is uncomfortable, but that does not mean you have to let it run your life. When fear pops up, acknowledge it, recognize that it is simply a prehistoric instinct, and then say, “Thanks but no thanks! I KNOW how my fate is decided!”
Common sense tells you that your body does better when you're in a relaxed state. Well, quantum physics tells you the very same thing! Everything is energy, and you get to choose yours! And if science isn't your thing – at least have a little faith! What is prayer but simply stating your desired outcome, believing that God hears you, and expecting an answer? Repeated prayers can help make you feel the energy and atmosphere of your desired outcome, which makes believing a little easier. However, please realize that repeated prayer is solely for your benefit, not because God is deaf. I know it’s scary to believe this Law is real when you see so much suffering around you. Still, it does not mean that we are subject to the whims of a capricious God. In fact, God gave us a most powerful Law, and it is up to us to use it correctly and do so relentlessly!! So, please stop hoping for the best and start KNOWING that it exists. Walt Disney once said that dreams come true if you believe - and Walt knew a thing or two about making dreams come true! Who knew he was simply following a God-given law that’s available to us all?
Today I want to talk about the awesome and preemptive power of your beliefs to keep you stuck or propel you forward in life. Your beliefs are literally the outer limits of what you are able to experience, both good and bad, so it's definitely worth taking a look. It's not just your imagination either; this is actual neuroscience. You can read more about it in my book, The List Method.
All those painful past experiences that have affected your beliefs about people and relationships now hold you firmly captive in a world of your own making. Luckily, this does not mean that you are doomed to repeat the past forever. You become free the moment you realize that nobody ever really hurt you. This may seem like a bold statement. Clearly, others have abused you and done you wrong, but the damage you took did not come from them. The damage came from your reaction to it. Our personalities tend to make us react in certain ways. Me, for example, I’m a very passionate personality, quick to anger. When I feel hurt, I flare up like a rocket. I express my feelings and let them go, so I’m also able to cool down again very quickly. It wasn’t always like that. If you know anything about my background, you’ll know that there were people who did unspeakably mean things to me. I was angry, but I was unconsciously so afraid of what would happen if my rage ever got out that I suppressed my feelings. On occasions where I did get angry in response to some niggling incident, my reaction was usually way over the top. I was shamed for it, and I felt bad, determining each time to keep my feelings more firmly bottled up in the future. But anger and rage cause hormonal changes in the body. Depending on how long you hold on to these feelings, they can cause severe physical damage. I know my previous tendency to react with anger and then hold on to the rage was the reason I had the liver trouble that almost killed me, so many years ago. Louise Hay, in her book, You Can Heal Your Life, which sold a whopping fifty million copies, takes the view that all medical conditions have an underlying energetic pattern that, if recognized, can be alleviated. She healed herself from cancer, realizing that the underlying energetic pattern of cancer is unexpressed resentment. Cancer is often called the Nice People’s Disease because the sufferers have a tendency to be particularly nice, loving, and kind on the surface while hiding the emotions they consider unacceptable beneath where they fester. You can take physical or mental damage from the way you process abuse. Your brain will do its utmost to prevent this type of pain and damage in the future, sometimes in the form of encapsulating and repressing memories completely. Even so, the brain will create a record of the incident in the form of new neural connections over which thought energy will flow from then on. The belief structure that is thereby created will ensure that you’ll never be that naïve again and that you’ll remain leery of people and relationships.
The important part is to recognize that the damage in you is caused, not so much by the actual incident but by your reaction to it. It is you who decides that you have been injured. Your anger, resentment, pain, or depression are the manifestations of your evaluation of the degree of your victimhood. Imagine for a moment, things had gone differently. Imagine, you had realized right away that the person who was trying to hurt you was an idiot who had no idea what they were doing. You saw right through them and dismissed their attempt to hurt you. In that case, there would be no injury. You would not take the bait, would not hook into the drama, and there would be no consequences for you, either physical or mental. There would be no need for your mind to go into damage control. There would be no lasting record of the event in the form of a belief. It would be water off a duck’s back simply because your reaction was different.
Then, you must also realize that this person who did you wrong was clearly not the love of your life. Do not give them the power to diminish your future happiness. The love of your life is still out there - I promise you they are! The only reason you have not yet met them is that you have not done the work of self-discovery. Go here for your free download with all the questions to ask yourself. Only when you’re aware of what you want and need, what your personal standards and values are, and what your ideal life should look like can you make a List of the one person who is your perfect match in all those areas. This process does not happen by accident, but I guarantee that once you have your List, you will meet the person who will not hurt you. You will meet your best friend, your partner, your lover, your everything. Please don’t let past hurts keep you from living your very best life.
People have a need to love and be loved. It’s a basic human requirement that can never change. So, when I wrote my book, The List Method – the scientific way to find the love of your life that presents a fool-proof, scientific method to find the love we all crave, I thought all single people would flock to the bookstores. I was not entirely ready for their reticence. People would tell me, “No, no, I’m done with all of that. Relationships are far too much trouble. I’d rather stay alone.” Or I would hear, “I would love to find someone to share my life with, but I’m not willing to compromise myself just to be in a relationship.”
That’s when I realized that people aren’t rushing toward their next relationship because they have no idea what true, compatible love could be. I know I didn’t either at the outset of this journey. We don’t exactly have the best examples from which to draw. Indeed, the stories of literature and the films we see on television and the movies paint a bleak picture. Of course, they’re not meant to model actual life; they are written to entertain and to drive the plot forward. A story where a relationship flows evenly and harmoniously, and where there is never any conflict would be pretty dull to watch. In the movies, an epic love story only works if someone dies at the end. And, like it or not, and without being aware, these stories fuel our image, and our expectations of what love is like.
Our own experiences of past relationships don’t help much, either. To be fair, though, look at how they got started. Through some terribly romantic and entirely accidental circumstance, it finally happened: You met someone! Either at church, in a bar, at a party, or on a blind date, finagled by well-meaning friends. There was a powerful initial attraction, and somehow you hoped that would be enough to make it last a lifetime. You completely ignored the myriad facets that made you and your lover entirely unique beings. Really, what are the odds that you would meet someone by sheer luck who would turn out to be your utterly seamless match? It’s much more likely that you would meet someone who wants different things, has different opinions, and sees the world entirely differently from you. Of course, this doesn’t bode well for a harmonious, long-term relationship. Then you have a choice. You can either fight all the time or compromise till you barely recognize yourself anymore. Remember, compromise is the warm feeling of knowing that the other person didn’t get what they wanted either. And so eventually went your separate ways. It’s just not worth being with someone if you have to lose yourself in the process.
With no real examples, the vast majority of people have no experience of what epic love really feels like. That’s because that kind of love rarely ever happens by accident. It requires focus and clarity, and deep self-awareness. You must be absolutely conscious of your own goals and desires and opinions and values, and personal standards. Only then can you create a detailed List of the one person who would be your perfect match in every area of life. For it to work, you must catalog precisely what you want in a partner. You must detail everything you find irresistible and attractive, both physically, emotionally, and intellectually. Some people worry that if they were to get so detailed, so picky about whom they were looking for, they would never find them, but the exact opposite is true. The sharper and clearer your List, the faster and more precise your result. Zig Ziglar said that you hit home runs not by chance but by preparation. The business world does not function without clear goal setting, precise planning, prognoses, and projections, nor does your love life. A relationship is not truer or more romantic because it started by accident. In fact, the exact opposite is true.
A relationship that is built on seamless compatibility elevates your life. It is hard to describe without gushing how wonderful life is when you are with your ideal partner. When you both have the same ideas about what a perfect life should look like, there is no need for compromise. When you both want the same things, and share the same hopes and dreams, there is no need for contracts, trades, and agreements – you both get what you want. By that, I do not mean that you have to be joined at the hip. For example, my partner and I both require a tremendous amount of alone time. (It was on my List!) It’s just one more thing we have in common. The whole point is that you both get exactly what you want – and that’s where the happiness comes from.
In the United States, sex is rarely ever discussed in polite society. We ignore it and pretend we don’t care about it, particularly as we get older, but sex is a huge part of who we are as human beings. Sex has to be part of your thinking when you create your List of your perfect mate. What’s your hottest fantasy, and who are you with when it happens? Having sex with a compatible partner who shares your desires and fantasies is very powerful. There have been numerous studies, including at Stanford University, on the effects of orgasms on women’s health. Two to three orgasms a week are recommended to maintain good health. Orgasms are good for the immune system. They increase dopamine, oxytocin, norepinephrine, and testosterone levels and do wonders for our mental and emotional well-being. These hormones and chemical releases can synergistically improve our moods and cognition, and diminish anxiety and stress responses,” so says Monica Grover, MD, a Santa Monica-based OB-GYN physician. You’ll be infinitely happier, and healthier, which means greater success in all other areas of your life.
When you truly feel loved, adored, admired, and appreciated but for whom you actually are, you bloom like a potted plant. With your mind always on love, everything looks brighter. Being so positively focused, your luck seemingly increases. You run on all ten cylinders and can show up as your very best self. Of course, that’ll garner you even more admiration and compliments from the one who is always in your corner. It’s kind of self-perpetuating, so this kind of love becomes stronger and better and sweeter as time wears on. There’s nothing like sharing the same sense of humor. It’s so much fun being with someone who always gets the joke.
When, on rare occasions, you do see things differently, it’s so easy to be generous when there is so much love. It is a pleasure to give to the one you love, as you would give flowers. “If that’s what pleases you, then that’s how we will do it!” It never feels like a compromise or a deal when true love comes from the bottom of your heart. So, I challenge you to flip your opinion of what love can be like. I promise you that there is epic love out there waiting for you - and all for the nominal price of a bit of self-discovery.