I recently had a bit of a scary diagnosis that requires emergency surgery. I'm very lucky in that, and I have the most excellent care around me, certainly, from the amazing love of my life, but also from wonderful friends and family. I feel pretty good about what’s ahead. In fact, I expect smooth sailing and a perfect outcome, but sometimes well-meaning people who insist on dumping their worst fears on me don’t make this outlook so easy to maintain.
The whole situation is making me realize that, as much as we think of ourselves as evolved and top-of-the-food-chain, humanity is, in many ways, still very much in its infancy. What we consider modern man evolved approximately 200,000 years ago, but the beginnings of any kind of civilization didn't spring up till 194,000 years later. What I consider the age of reason, where we are finally starting to begin to understand how the world actually functions, only began with the onset of science. Albert Einstein, who gave us many fundamental advances about life, and even life after death, only lived some 70 years short ago. That's a blip in human history, and let's face it, most of us still don't really have a real clue about what Einstein was talking about and how it could fundamentally affect our daily lives. We still don't really fathom that everything is energy. Most of us still think of the physical world as a solid matter. We ignore that everything is made of atoms, even though most of us were forced to sweat through Chemistry in high school. We know building a house requires an excavator and heavy machinery, but even such a seemingly solid structure evolved from an idea. Everything starts as energy, as thought, as an idea that eventually evolves into the physical manifestation (and even that is 99.9% energy)
You ask, what does all this have to do with emergency surgery? Well, I noticed that the moment we’re faced with a scary situation, we immediately revert to our 200,000-year-old ancestry – and I mean the one before civilization popped up. We revert to fear, superstition, and delusion. We talk about good thoughts and remaining positive, but for the most part, it’s just a desperate act. In reality, we hope for the best but expect the worst. Why do we do that to ourselves?
I talk about this phenomenon in my book The List Method. I wrote: “I go completely nuts when people talk about hoping for the best but preparing for the worst. It is an impossibility, a contradiction in terms, based on pure ignorance of how things work. When you are preparing for the worst, it means you are orienting your radar toward the worst-case scenario. In essence, you are asking your reticular activating system to highlight only those worst experiences for you. Your orientation creates the filter that ensures you must experience only that. There is no possible scenario where you could be oriented toward the worst but accidentally experience the best. You simply cannot look both ways at the same time period. You can only see that to which you're oriented. You can't see the thing you're looking away from. You won't be able to see the best while you're focused on the worst; it will simply slip by. Just like you can only reap what you sow - you can't plant potatoes and expect to pick daisies. When you sow the worst- that’s precisely what you will reap.”
And why are we so bent on being prepared for the worst, anyway? Will it make the worst, if indeed it were to come, even the slightest bit more palatable? Would it make it easier to bear if we knew about it ahead of time? Is there even the slightest benefit in driving yourself crazy prior to the anticipated event? If anything, you'll be a complete wreck when it’s finally time to face the music - right when it would behoove you to be at your most calm and mature. Fear is a very powerful emotion. It triggers a whole cascade of hormonal changes in the body, all of which serve to weaken the immune system, the nervous system, and the body’s ability to heal. The body has a credo: survival first, maintenance second. When your body is in survival mode, your heart beats faster, your blood pressure rises, and your adrenaline flows - enabling you to flee or get ready for a fight. Normally the body's normal healing ability is nothing short of miraculous, but under those circumstances, the healing process is pushed to the back burner. Nerves, too, are much keener to give you an edge in a potential fight, but when there is no fight, when you're lying in bed trying to heal, edgy nerves only make you feel pain more acutely.
Niels Bohr, the father of Quantum Physics and contemporary of Albert Einstein showed that, as long as an event is still in progress, all possible outcomes are inherent – meaning anything literally can happen until the event is decided. This is probably the thing that drives us as human beings the craziest. On the surface, it seems to say that we are nothing but pawns of a capricious fate, our lives decided by a mere roll of the dice. In reality, however, it means that we are literally unlimited! It means that all possibilities are open to us, simply because we have dominion over our focus.
Here’s the thing: No matter what happens, no matter the circumstance - nobody can ever tell you what to think! They could throw you in prison, but still, but your thoughts would still be free! Focus, belief, desire, and expectation are your most powerful attributes because you have FULL CONTROL over them. You alone hold decision-making powers over your fate because you alone can decide what you allow yourself to think about. In other words, you get to decide the energetic frequency in which you want to swim. That’s the God-given Law that puts you in charge of your existence!
Yes, of course, fear will come up. That's your normal, built-in survival instinct. Your subconscious is always scanning for potential danger. And any unknown feels like a potential danger. It’s a pain in the neck, but you can’t turn it off, no matter what, so you might as well get used to it. Fear is uncomfortable, but that does not mean you have to let it run your life. When fear pops up, acknowledge it, recognize that it is simply a prehistoric instinct, and then say, “Thanks but no thanks! I KNOW how my fate is decided!”
Common sense tells you that your body does better when you're in a relaxed state. Well, quantum physics tells you the very same thing! Everything is energy, and you get to choose yours! And if science isn't your thing – at least have a little faith! What is prayer but simply stating your desired outcome, believing that God hears you, and expecting an answer? Repeated prayers can help make you feel the energy and atmosphere of your desired outcome, which makes believing a little easier. However, please realize that repeated prayer is solely for your benefit, not because God is deaf. I know it’s scary to believe this Law is real when you see so much suffering around you. Still, it does not mean that we are subject to the whims of a capricious God. In fact, God gave us a most powerful Law, and it is up to us to use it correctly and do so relentlessly!! So, please stop hoping for the best and start KNOWING that it exists. Walt Disney once said that dreams come true if you believe - and Walt knew a thing or two about making dreams come true! Who knew he was simply following a God-given law that’s available to us all?
Today I want to talk about the awesome and preemptive power of your beliefs to keep you stuck or propel you forward in life. Your beliefs are literally the outer limits of what you are able to experience, both good and bad, so it's definitely worth taking a look. It's not just your imagination either; this is actual neuroscience. You can read more about it in my book, The List Method.
All those painful past experiences that have affected your beliefs about people and relationships now hold you firmly captive in a world of your own making. Luckily, this does not mean that you are doomed to repeat the past forever. You become free the moment you realize that nobody ever really hurt you. This may seem like a bold statement. Clearly, others have abused you and done you wrong, but the damage you took did not come from them. The damage came from your reaction to it. Our personalities tend to make us react in certain ways. Me, for example, I’m a very passionate personality, quick to anger. When I feel hurt, I flare up like a rocket. I express my feelings and let them go, so I’m also able to cool down again very quickly. It wasn’t always like that. If you know anything about my background, you’ll know that there were people who did unspeakably mean things to me. I was angry, but I was unconsciously so afraid of what would happen if my rage ever got out that I suppressed my feelings. On occasions where I did get angry in response to some niggling incident, my reaction was usually way over the top. I was shamed for it, and I felt bad, determining each time to keep my feelings more firmly bottled up in the future. But anger and rage cause hormonal changes in the body. Depending on how long you hold on to these feelings, they can cause severe physical damage. I know my previous tendency to react with anger and then hold on to the rage was the reason I had the liver trouble that almost killed me, so many years ago. Louise Hay, in her book, You Can Heal Your Life, which sold a whopping fifty million copies, takes the view that all medical conditions have an underlying energetic pattern that, if recognized, can be alleviated. She healed herself from cancer, realizing that the underlying energetic pattern of cancer is unexpressed resentment. Cancer is often called the Nice People’s Disease because the sufferers have a tendency to be particularly nice, loving, and kind on the surface while hiding the emotions they consider unacceptable beneath where they fester. You can take physical or mental damage from the way you process abuse. Your brain will do its utmost to prevent this type of pain and damage in the future, sometimes in the form of encapsulating and repressing memories completely. Even so, the brain will create a record of the incident in the form of new neural connections over which thought energy will flow from then on. The belief structure that is thereby created will ensure that you’ll never be that naïve again and that you’ll remain leery of people and relationships.
The important part is to recognize that the damage in you is caused, not so much by the actual incident but by your reaction to it. It is you who decides that you have been injured. Your anger, resentment, pain, or depression are the manifestations of your evaluation of the degree of your victimhood. Imagine for a moment, things had gone differently. Imagine, you had realized right away that the person who was trying to hurt you was an idiot who had no idea what they were doing. You saw right through them and dismissed their attempt to hurt you. In that case, there would be no injury. You would not take the bait, would not hook into the drama, and there would be no consequences for you, either physical or mental. There would be no need for your mind to go into damage control. There would be no lasting record of the event in the form of a belief. It would be water off a duck’s back simply because your reaction was different.
Then, you must also realize that this person who did you wrong was clearly not the love of your life. Do not give them the power to diminish your future happiness. The love of your life is still out there - I promise you they are! The only reason you have not yet met them is that you have not done the work of self-discovery. Go here for your free download with all the questions to ask yourself. Only when you’re aware of what you want and need, what your personal standards and values are, and what your ideal life should look like can you make a List of the one person who is your perfect match in all those areas. This process does not happen by accident, but I guarantee that once you have your List, you will meet the person who will not hurt you. You will meet your best friend, your partner, your lover, your everything. Please don’t let past hurts keep you from living your very best life.
People have a need to love and be loved. It’s a basic human requirement that can never change. So, when I wrote my book, The List Method – the scientific way to find the love of your life that presents a fool-proof, scientific method to find the love we all crave, I thought all single people would flock to the bookstores. I was not entirely ready for their reticence. People would tell me, “No, no, I’m done with all of that. Relationships are far too much trouble. I’d rather stay alone.” Or I would hear, “I would love to find someone to share my life with, but I’m not willing to compromise myself just to be in a relationship.”
That’s when I realized that people aren’t rushing toward their next relationship because they have no idea what true, compatible love could be. I know I didn’t either at the outset of this journey. We don’t exactly have the best examples from which to draw. Indeed, the stories of literature and the films we see on television and the movies paint a bleak picture. Of course, they’re not meant to model actual life; they are written to entertain and to drive the plot forward. A story where a relationship flows evenly and harmoniously, and where there is never any conflict would be pretty dull to watch. In the movies, an epic love story only works if someone dies at the end. And, like it or not, and without being aware, these stories fuel our image, and our expectations of what love is like.
Our own experiences of past relationships don’t help much, either. To be fair, though, look at how they got started. Through some terribly romantic and entirely accidental circumstance, it finally happened: You met someone! Either at church, in a bar, at a party, or on a blind date, finagled by well-meaning friends. There was a powerful initial attraction, and somehow you hoped that would be enough to make it last a lifetime. You completely ignored the myriad facets that made you and your lover entirely unique beings. Really, what are the odds that you would meet someone by sheer luck who would turn out to be your utterly seamless match? It’s much more likely that you would meet someone who wants different things, has different opinions, and sees the world entirely differently from you. Of course, this doesn’t bode well for a harmonious, long-term relationship. Then you have a choice. You can either fight all the time or compromise till you barely recognize yourself anymore. Remember, compromise is the warm feeling of knowing that the other person didn’t get what they wanted either. And so eventually went your separate ways. It’s just not worth being with someone if you have to lose yourself in the process.
With no real examples, the vast majority of people have no experience of what epic love really feels like. That’s because that kind of love rarely ever happens by accident. It requires focus and clarity, and deep self-awareness. You must be absolutely conscious of your own goals and desires and opinions and values, and personal standards. Only then can you create a detailed List of the one person who would be your perfect match in every area of life. For it to work, you must catalog precisely what you want in a partner. You must detail everything you find irresistible and attractive, both physically, emotionally, and intellectually. Some people worry that if they were to get so detailed, so picky about whom they were looking for, they would never find them, but the exact opposite is true. The sharper and clearer your List, the faster and more precise your result. Zig Ziglar said that you hit home runs not by chance but by preparation. The business world does not function without clear goal setting, precise planning, prognoses, and projections, nor does your love life. A relationship is not truer or more romantic because it started by accident. In fact, the exact opposite is true.
A relationship that is built on seamless compatibility elevates your life. It is hard to describe without gushing how wonderful life is when you are with your ideal partner. When you both have the same ideas about what a perfect life should look like, there is no need for compromise. When you both want the same things, and share the same hopes and dreams, there is no need for contracts, trades, and agreements – you both get what you want. By that, I do not mean that you have to be joined at the hip. For example, my partner and I both require a tremendous amount of alone time. (It was on my List!) It’s just one more thing we have in common. The whole point is that you both get exactly what you want – and that’s where the happiness comes from.
In the United States, sex is rarely ever discussed in polite society. We ignore it and pretend we don’t care about it, particularly as we get older, but sex is a huge part of who we are as human beings. Sex has to be part of your thinking when you create your List of your perfect mate. What’s your hottest fantasy, and who are you with when it happens? Having sex with a compatible partner who shares your desires and fantasies is very powerful. There have been numerous studies, including at Stanford University, on the effects of orgasms on women’s health. Two to three orgasms a week are recommended to maintain good health. Orgasms are good for the immune system. They increase dopamine, oxytocin, norepinephrine, and testosterone levels and do wonders for our mental and emotional well-being. These hormones and chemical releases can synergistically improve our moods and cognition, and diminish anxiety and stress responses,” so says Monica Grover, MD, a Santa Monica-based OB-GYN physician. You’ll be infinitely happier, and healthier, which means greater success in all other areas of your life.
When you truly feel loved, adored, admired, and appreciated but for whom you actually are, you bloom like a potted plant. With your mind always on love, everything looks brighter. Being so positively focused, your luck seemingly increases. You run on all ten cylinders and can show up as your very best self. Of course, that’ll garner you even more admiration and compliments from the one who is always in your corner. It’s kind of self-perpetuating, so this kind of love becomes stronger and better and sweeter as time wears on. There’s nothing like sharing the same sense of humor. It’s so much fun being with someone who always gets the joke.
When, on rare occasions, you do see things differently, it’s so easy to be generous when there is so much love. It is a pleasure to give to the one you love, as you would give flowers. “If that’s what pleases you, then that’s how we will do it!” It never feels like a compromise or a deal when true love comes from the bottom of your heart. So, I challenge you to flip your opinion of what love can be like. I promise you that there is epic love out there waiting for you - and all for the nominal price of a bit of self-discovery.
There is one thing that your career or business and love have in common: you hope to be successful at it. You want a successful career or a thriving business, and you hope to find a satisfying relationship. Some people are immensely successful at what they set out to do, no matter what. Others - not so much. So, the big question is, why are some fruitful in realizing their goals, hopes, and dreams while others never find them? It is an age-old and seemingly complex question, yet a fairly simple answer exists.
First off, let me tell you it has nothing to do with effort and hard work. Although, by that, I don’t mean to say that willingness to do the work isn’t required. I get so frustrated when people buy my book because they’re really motivated to find a partner, but then they don’t actually read it. And then there are those who do read, but then don’t do the workbook or the visualizations. It’s a little like getting a prescription from your doctor but never taking it and wondering why you don’t feel any better. The inception of any new venture, whether it’s a new business or the decision to change your personal life, requires intention. The laws of physics demand that you overcome the initial inertia to create something new where, before, there was nothing. If you want something to change, it has to begin with you. So, in the beginning, it takes willingness and effort. Even once you are underway, it takes continuous attention to ensure the ship doesn’t sail off course.
But there are many people who are very driven to succeed, and they’re not afraid of doing the hard work it takes to get there, and yet still, their desired outcome remains elusive. For them, the reason is where they place their focus. I know. I used to be one of those focused, hard-working, driven people who nevertheless always felt that real success remained elusive. I couldn’t figure out why I always felt like my dreams remained out of reach. I had the goal. I knew very clearly what I wanted. I worked long hours to do what it took to get the job done, but I felt like I could never quite get there. In my frustration, I called myself a “99 percenter”. Upon cursory glance, it would seem that being 99% successful is awfully close to 100%. But imagine you’re trying to jump on a boat, and you only make it 99% across - you end up 100% wet.
I tended to see things in black and white, with not a lot of room for grey. “Bottom-line it!” “Cut to the chase! Give it to me straight!” It’s just my personality. I couldn’t be bothered with explanations of why things hadn’t worked as planned. I only cared that the results remained outstanding. I thought of myself as a no-nonsense, driven businesswoman. What I didn’t realize was that this very attitude was what kept me from the success I envisioned.
Now, don’t get me wrong, the outcome is important. Without a clear vision of where you want to go, a project cannot succeed. As a leader, I felt it was incumbent upon me to hold the vision for the organization. However, there is also a big problem with that. When you are so single-mindedly focused on the outcome, you are, by necessity, always looking at what is “not yet.” In other words, you are looking at apparent failure. Anything in its beginning stages is necessarily not yet where it will be at its conclusion.
So, you’re in trouble when you are continuously asking, “Where is my stuff?” “Why am I not successful yet? Or “why am I still going home alone when everyone I know has a partner?” When you’re always focused on the “not yet,” you effectively prevent yourself from making your dreams a reality. It is tantamount to planting a seed, maybe even adding some water and fertilizer, but digging it up the next day to examine why it hasn’t yet sprouted. Not only are you delaying and interrupting the process, but you’re probably also destroying the tiny seedling so it can never grow.
So, what happened that changed things for me? How did I stop being so focused on only the outcome? Well, incidentally, it was for the same reason that I wrote my book, The List Method: I found the love of my life, and everything changed. Suddenly I was loved and adored and admired, and unconditionally supported, and I started living in an entirely different energetic environment. Being so in love, it became easy to live in the moment. The outcome wasn’t the only thing I cared about anymore. I began enjoying the journey, rather than merely anticipating the destination.
Let’s face it; the experience of the destination is fleeting anyway. You work and work at creating forward momentum just so you can arrive at the target. You’re so used to moving that when you finally get there, you’ve already moved on, and the new car smell wears off very quickly. You’re off and running toward the next outcome. Rushing, rushing, and never really enjoying any of it.
That’s why I always say that a successful life should contain a successful relationship. And by that, I don’t mean a relationship at any cost, simply to ward off loneliness; I mean THE relationship with your perfect mate. When you find it, time stands still. When you feel appreciated for whom you are, you come to appreciate each moment. You become present, and that’s when you automatically become a winner in the game of life. And in the end, isn’t that what success is all about?
The List Method is a simple step-by-step way to find the love of your life using neuroscience and tried and true strategies to help you uncover and clear away your barriers to a successful relationship. Learn to understand your own deep needs and desires so you can create a crystal-clear vision of the partner of your dreams. Armed with your List, it could potentially take only days for you to meet the love of your life. Guaranteed!!
Recently, I made one small change in my life that I just have to tell you about because it’s had a huge impact on everything. It’s not a new diet, although I am actually losing weight as a result of it. It’s not a new sleep aid, although I am sleeping much deeper and feeling significantly more rested. It’s not a new workout program, even though since I’m not so exhausted all the time anymore, I am now able to exercise regularly.
Before I tell you about the change I made, let me tell you why I did it. See, I’ve been feeling very anxious lately. I’ve had this depressing feeling that the world is going to hell in a handbasket, and I’m not safe in my skin anymore. Maybe you can even relate to what I am talking about. Feeling like this really had me concerned, and not only because being so anxious was a very, very uncomfortable feeling. I was much more concerned because I have been in the science and coaching world for a long time now, and as a result, I am keenly aware that everything is energy and that the frequency in which we exist affects every aspect of our being. This isn’t woo-woo either; this is cold, hard science that I am talking about. Our bodies are made up of approximately 75 trillion cells – that’s a huge number with twelve zeros on it. At the center of each and every one of these cells are atoms, and at the center of all these atoms, there is energy. In fact, 99.99% of an atom is energy, and only a tiny fraction is the actual matter. So, the very building blocks of our physical body and, indeed, the physical world we live in are primarily made of pure energy. It's easy to ignore this fact because the physical world looks so, well, physical. It looks so solid, and so we fool ourselves into thinking that energy doesn’t really matter so much. Well, nothing could be further from the truth.
The energetic frequency with which we surround ourselves determines our physical and emotional well-being. Everything has a particular energy pattern at its center that allows it to exist, an energetic blueprint if you will. All is well as long as this energy pattern remains nominal, but when this prescribed frequency breaks down, the original structure struggles to exist. Every illness, for example, has its own particular energetic pattern, which disturbs the healthy pattern. Literally, it is a dis-ease, which can affect us physically as well as emotionally. That’s why it's so important to be cognizant of the energy around us. So many people I know keep a very close eye on their nutritional intake. They wouldn’t allow junk food into their bodies, but they allow junk energy to poison the atmosphere in which they exist.
The energetic frequency with which we surround ourselves determines our physical and emotional well-being. Everything has a particular energy pattern at its center that allows it to exist, an energetic blueprint if you will. All is well as long as this energy pattern remains nominal, but when this prescribed frequency breaks down, the original structure struggles to exist. Every illness, for example, has its own particular energetic pattern, which disturbs the healthy pattern. Literally, it is a dis-ease, which can affect us physically as well as emotionally. That’s why being cognizant of the energy around us is so important. So many people I know keep a very close eye on their nutritional intake. They wouldn’t allow junk food into their bodies, but they allow junk energy to poison the atmosphere in which they exist.
And it’s not just our health we’re jeopardizing with bad energy; it’s all the rest of our life, too! Anything, from the very worst to the very best, can always happen, but where you fall on this spectrum of possibility is determined by your focus. If you’re always focused on the negative, it's not only what you see; it's also what you will inevitably draw into your experience. You can’t expect the worst but hope for the best. When your radar is tuned toward the worst, that’s what you’ll find. And while you’re tuned there, you’ll also miss out on the incredible, breathtaking beauty that is all around. You simply can’t look both ways at the same time, no matter how hard you try. Feeling as anxious and gloomy as I did, I was painfully aware that I was on an emotional and physical trajectory that would be leading somewhere I didn’t want to be. I had to make a change.
So, do you want to know what the one small change was that improved everything for me? I stopped watching the news! That’s it. No more politics, no more murder, no more mayhem. I can hear the grumblings among many of my readers already. “But we have to watch the news! Especially with all that’s going on in the world – we have to be informed. That’s just what they would want you to do – stick your head in the sand and pretend everything is peachy!” But I ask you – what are you really accomplishing by keeping yourself "informed"? Is there even one thing that will be improved by your focusing on the worst common denominator the world has to offer? (Remember, you’re not watching everything that's happened, you’re only watching the horrible things that actually made the news.) Ask yourself - are you changing one bloody thing in the world by poisoning your energetic frequency with your outrage? Is it worth the risk to your health? Is it worth your precious time - the one thing you’ll never get back? Is it worth giving up your enjoyment and appreciation of life? Is it worth giving up your gratitude for the many gifts you have? You can’t feel bad enough to make someone else feel better. Nobody is helped by your anger. In fact, I believe that your positive energy is a much greater contribution to this world than your anger.
You may agree with me, or you may disagree. I’m not saying you have to make the same choice I made. But remember, whatever you choose has consequences for your health and your life. Love has consequences, and so does anger. I wanted to share this development with you because of the profound and completely unexpected impact it had on my life. I am fundamentally much happier. I see the beauty all around me again and am grateful again. I’m not anxious anymore. I sleep like a baby at night. I thought my irregular sleep pattern had something to do with hormones or something. I had no inkling how deeply all this headline news was affecting every aspect of life! I stopped watching, and my stress level is way down. As a result, my cortisol levels are lower, and I am actually losing weight, and I actually feel like working out instead of finding excuses not to. What do I watch instead of the news? I watch science and educational shows. You wouldn’t believe how much fascinating information is out there that's actually worth my time! And yes, I watch puppy videos simply because they make me happy. There’s a great, big, beautiful world out there where heart-warming, sweet things are always happening, and that, in my opinion, is far more worth my attention.
Why do we make the choices we do? It’s a question worth asking because it ultimately determines whether or not we live a happy life or a wasted opportunity
Particularly in the United States we value our freedom very much - the freedom to do what we want, the freedom to choose. But are we truly free to choose when so many of our daily decisions are made by rote? We go to work. We service the car. We clean the house. We walk the dog. As most things, we do them unconsciously and herein lies the problem. We do an awful lot of living unconsciously. Dr. Joe Dispenza says that by the time we are 35 years old, 95% of all our thinking is routine and unconscious. 95% of our life is conditioning and machine-like behavior! That leaves only 5% that qualifies us for being the free human beings we pride ourselves to be – and that’s not much.
When you do something unconsciously, it’s not free will; it’s not choice. We keep experiencing things through the same framework of our unconscious thinking. We do the same things over and over and we get the same outcomes, whether we like them or not. So much of what happens in our lives happens by default. We make no conscious choice and we’re left to accept whatever comes our way and try to get comfortable in our little boxes even if we have to go numb to do it. We tell ourselves that that’s just the way life is when nothing could be further from the truth!
So, you can either settle in and accept it - or you can finally exercise the freedom you hold in such high regard. Freedom, however, requires consciousness. You owe yourself a journey of self-discovery. You must know what you stand for or you'll fall for anything that comes your way - and there's so much that wants to pull your attention these days. That's why you must be clear on what your ideal life ought to look like. Once you choose to wake up in this fashion, you’ll discover a curious thing: You knew the answers all along. You didn't have to figure them out. You didn’t have to be invented, you only had to be discovered. Who you are was already there and that hints at why you want the things you want.
Anything that exists started with an idea and then became a plan, a blueprint according to which it was meant to develop. It is true for the chair you sit on, the house you live in. It is true for you. Your personal blueprint is not only your beginning, it is also your destiny. It is your alpha and your omega. Just as an acorn craves to become an oak tree, so your secret desires are not just flights of fancy. They are the seeds meant to lead you towards your destiny. They are your soul’s message to you, that's why you feel them so keenly. This is your true authenticity and ultimately, the only way to your happiness and fulfillment.
This journey of self-discovery is also the crux of the List Method. Once you're fully conscious of your needs and desires, as well as your personal standards and values, it becomes relatively easy to come up with a List of the one person who matches you perfectly in all areas. Armed with such a List it's surprisingly easy to find them. A successful life should contain a successful relationship because it allows you to show up differently in the world. When you're in a loving, supportive relationship with someone you adore and who adores you back, there is ease and flow and authenticity. There is no need for compromises and so you find yourself empowered, capable and confident to pursue the desires that are scripted into your destiny and you're able to live your very best life.
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Your self-image determines your potential for success in every area of life, from your career to your love life. If you see yourself as inadequate it frames the level of achievement you will allow yourself to have. Yet for some reason, we set ourselves up for failure from the very start
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Nobody’s perfect - isn't that what we say? We see ourselves as flawed in nearly every way, always striving to reach some vague state of betterment that would finally make us worthy of esteem and consideration. And ultimately, something that might finally make us worthy of love and happiness. Perfectionism is the tendency to set high, often unrealistic standards for ourselves and to strive for flawlessness in every aspect of life. Ironically, this very tendency is the thing that gets in the way of us living our best life. Striving for excellence might be positive and motivating, but the resulting perfectionism is detrimental and produces the exact opposite effect. It leads to procrastination because we are afraid of making mistakes or not living up to our own impossibly high standards. It’s precisely because we see ourselves as so inadequate that we may not even allow ourselves to try. Perfectionism stifles creativity and limits opportunities for growth and innovation. Taking risks and trying new things is the very hallmark of creativity - but you can't do that when you're afraid of making mistakes. So much potential has been lost to perfectionism! It is the cause of so much anxiety and stress. We turn ourselves into wrecks from stress-related illnesses because of our own unrealistic standards for ourselves. The constant worry about not meeting our own and the perceived expectations of others takes a heavy toll on body and minds. It leads to burnout and mental health problems. Finally, perfectionism ruins relationships. People who are perfectionists tend to be self-critical and harsh on themselves when they make mistakes or fall short of their own expectations. This can lead to feelings of inadequacy and low self-esteem which will, in turn, damage relationships or prevents them from ever forming. Perfectionists tend to hold others to the same high standards they set for themselves, which can lead to unrealistic expectations and strained relationships. In this way, perfectionism is a direct contributor to loneliness. I can’t tell you how often a client has said to me, “I’m not ready for a relationship. Who would want me this way?” Los Angeles is a very crowded place. When I see all these many people I am struck by one beautiful thing: not one of them is like any other. As funny-looking as some may appear, each is completely different from anybody else. We never give it much thought, but isn’t it pretty amazing that out of eight billion people, there is not one who is exactly like someone else? Each of us is an exclusive package made up of strengths and weaknesses. I think it is here that our thinking goes off the rails. We see our weaknesses as flaws, something needing improvement when in reality, these are merely areas that are not important to our particular purpose. Not everyone has to be good with numbers. Not everyone needs to do everything well. Not everyone needs to write well; not everyone can make great art. Everybody has something that makes them uniquely suited to whom they are. The key is to figure out what it is that makes you happiest because that’s likely your highest form of expression, where all your strengths come to bear. When we compare ourselves to others we’re necessarily comparing apples to oranges. In reality, however, we are quite beyond compare. Against whom would we measure our particular package and why? Each of us is distinctive, inimitable, and matchless. Unique things don’t match up with other unique things – that’s what makes them unique. So here's my brand-new proposal... Instead, I am proposing this: What if, instead of seeing ourselves as flawed, imperfect, and in need of repair, we recognized ourselves as absolutely perfect exactly the way we are? What if you looked in the mirror and, instead of criticizing what you saw, you realized it was perfect? It is YOUR standard of perfection, YOUR flawless. Whether you like it or not - those are the cards you're dealt, and you have no choice but to play them. Why tear yourself down? Why put yourself at a disadvantage? What if we celebrated our strengths and uniqueness instead of working against ourselves by focusing on perceived weaknesses? What if we accepted and embraced our unique qualities and our intrinsic perfection - yes, I say PERFECTION! It can only lead to self-confidence, self-esteem, and overall well-being. Most of all, it expands the framework of our potential, which in turn allows us to reach for higher and more fulfilling lives. Ultimately, it is necessary to appreciate yourself in this way in order to find the love of your life. You simply cannot experience life beyond the framework of your beliefs. As long as you view yourself as flawed, this view becomes your status quo, and you will not allow yourself to experience the fulfillment you secretly crave. It will remain a barrier to a successful life, as well as successful relationships. The List Method requires you to take an appreciative, personal inventory of your needs and desires, your values, standards, and what your ideal life would look like before you can come up with a List of your perfect mate. You will not allow yourself to experience your best possible outcome as long as you see yourself as flawed and undeserving. You simply won’t be able to reach for it. So, ditch the perfectionism and remind yourself that you’re absolutely beyond compare, then celebrate all the many things you do so very well! |
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Kind regards, |
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The dating world can seem like a harsh place, especially as you getting older, but it’s actually not for the reasons you might think. It's not because you're a little out of practice, or that you're worried about those few extra pounds you’ve put on. Dating feels like an overwhelming proposition because there have been too many years of pain and disappointments that have colored your beliefs and shaped your expectations. The real trouble with dating when you're older is that you always get what you expect… Your beliefs are powerful. Remember, they're not just thought concepts, beliefs are actual physical formations in the brain. Think about a particular experience often enough and the nerve fibers that are engaged in the process will begin to form bridges called synaptic connections. Once those bridges are in place they won't budge. Every time a painful memory comes up, that bridge just gets stronger and stronger till you can’t even imagine a different outcome anymore. You believe the way things went in the past is how they'll go in the future. You’ve become so set in your ways that you think your way of seeing things is the only way. So, if your thoughts about dating run along the lines of, “this isn’t for me anymore; my time has passed,” or “I’m too old to start over again,” and “all the good ones are married off by now” – then that’s what you'll encounter, (proving to you once again that you’re right!) If experience has taught you that "everybody lies and cheats and everybody is crazy,” then this will also be your future experience. Not because that’s really true but because you can simply no longer imagine it any other way. Don’t you ever wonder how you seem to meet the same type of weirdos over and over again? It’s because that’s what your radar is tuned to. It's challenging when you’re older only because your mindsets were formed in the past, and there’s no way to avoid pain that’s already happened.
Really, your only option is to move forward. It’ll keep hurting unless you take the courage to carve out some new experiences and form new beliefs that will serve you better. I realize it's not easy. You have your beliefs telling you one thing, yet there is this place inside of you that longs to love and be loved. No matter how many disappointing experiences you might have had, that part of you never goes away. It's simply the way human beings are built. You can't run from yourself, not really. Not if you want to be happy. So, what if you stopped denying yourself what you need just because you’re scared of what might happen? It's true that you can’t change existing beliefs, but luckily you don’t have to. Regardless of what you believe, you do have the ability to ask yourself what life would look like in a perfect world. It's an important question to ask. Don’t dismiss this as a frivolous exercise in futility. This is not a mere flight of fancy! Imagining what it would feel like if you had your heart’s desire has the powerful potential to activate new synaptic connections in the brain - new thought bridges that will allow new thought energy to create more satisfying experiences. You see, your brain doesn’t know the difference between an actual experience and a mere thought about an experience. Whether real or imagined, thought energy flows, and with enough practice, new synaptic connections can be formed. It's the reason athletes use visualization to improve their performance. Research has shown that the same parts of the brain fire, whether the athlete is physically training or merely visualizing that they are training. Visualization alone has the power to strengthen synaptic connections. So, before you consider going on even one more date, set aside some daily time to imagine what your epic love story would feel like (even if you continue to think it’ll never happen). Be forewarned; the desired imagery won’t pop up immediately. It will take practice. In the book, The List Method, I describe my experience of first learning how to ski advanced slopes. Let me tell you, those slopes are steep, and they are icy, and I would slide out and end up on my butt over and over again. I was terrified I would fall off, and so, at night, I had a hard time sleeping. Even in my bed, I would still hear the metal edges scraping against the ice as I attempted to carve out my turns. “Plant the pole hard, hop around, carve the turn...” I was startled every time I would slide out and land on my butt because even in my imagination, I couldn't do it! I simply had not yet had the sense-memory of what a successful turn would feel like, so I couldn’t do it, even in my mind. But I kept at it. (Heck, I had no choice. I was wide awake anyway!) “Plant the pole, hop around, and carve the turn….” Guess what? Eventually, I got it! I stopped falling in my mind. And then, like a miracle, I also stopped falling on the slopes. Once my mind had the experience, my body was able to have the experience. So, this, then, is where your work lies. Imagine what you want to happen. Keep imagining how wonderful it will feel to meet the love of your life. Someone who looks at you with those sparkly eyes of love because they find you brilliant and perfect. Someone who adores you, appreciates you and worships the ground you walk on. You won’t be able to imagine what it feels like right away. (If you did, you'd have it already.) It will take some practice to get your brain to daydream along these new lines. Like in any training, consistency is critical, but it’s worth the effort! In fact, it’s the only way to succeed. Go to my website, http://TheListMethod.com/workbook. You will find two FREE visualizations - one for the morning and one for the evening. I have designed them to help you train your brain to grow the necessary new neural connections so you can find the love of your life. You’ll notice the change when your radar begins to turn in a new direction. Out of the blue, you’ll begin to meet far fewer weirdos and many more exciting people. They're people that have always been there, but your mind would never let you perceive them before. Eventually, your beliefs will shift to reflect the new experiences, and the old neural connections will wither and let go. Your old barriers to a successful relationship will fall away, and dating will be a whole lot more fun! |
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For more information to go beyond dating and finally meet the love of your life, get the book on AMAZON |
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Kind regards, |
The List Method disrupts the way women go about finding love – and not just any love but epic romance with their perfect match – and particularly those women who thought that their chance at love has passed.
What makes the List Method different from the way we do things now?
Just look at what we do – when we first pick a career we think about what interests us and what we’re good at before we proceed. Certainly, before we start a business, there are objectives, and mission statements and vision statements, and viability studies before we invest even one thin dime. We put a lot of thought into the next car we are going to buy – electric, or a hybrid, what make, what model. Heck, we make pretty detailed lists before we go to the grocery store but when it comes to finding the most important relationship of our lives – the one with someone with whom we will spend a considerable portion of our short time here on earth and with whom we will share everything we own – there we are willing to fly completely by the seat of our pants.
We leave it all up to chance – and then we’re surprised when things don’t work out. 50% of all marriages end in divorce and even the ones that manage to stay often say that relationships are really hard work – which doesn’t sound all that romantic. But relationships are only hard work because you're not with your perfect match! When you’re adored and worshipped and supported and loved, it improves a whole lot more than just your love life. You show up completely differently in the world. You feel more confident, more competent, and capable. You're running on all 10 cylinders and you’re able to live your very best life.
Most people never find that epic kind of love – why is that?
For a whole lot of reasons but mostly it’s because we don’t believe it exists. It's important to understand the inner workings of the mind, specifically how our beliefs determine our life experiences: We only see the world only through the framework of our beliefs and there is a scientific reason for that. We have this tiny center in our brain called the reticular activating system that does a very important job. It sorts and filters the billions of bits of information that come at us on a daily basis. There is so much information that if we saw it all we would be completely inundated and we would not be able to function. The reticular activating system filters out the extraneous and allows through only what we need so our world can make sense to us.
How does the mind decide what is extraneous and what is important?
Well, that’s the crux of the matter! The reticular activating system uses a very specific set of parameters to decide what's important and what's not and that is your beliefs. So, if it's something you believe to be true it gets ushered right on through. If it’s something you believe to be false it gets through but is treated sort of dismissively. Sadly, the vast majority of the information just gets blocked out altogether. That's why we have so many "blind spots".
So, while this little center in your brain performs a vitally important function it also ensures that we experience our beliefs over and over again and that our lives essentially become a self-fulfilling prophecy of experiences.
In what way does that show up in our lives?
We don’t ever see the whole picture. We don't see the real world; we only see what we already believe. So, if experience has taught you that all the good ones are already taken, that everybody lies and everybody cheats – that’s what you will keep experiencing over and over again. Have you ever noticed that bad luck seems to follow people? That's because their beliefs keep showing up over and over again. If someone has been abused, the next guy will do the same. And if you've come to believe that all relationships are hard work and that epic romance with your perfect lover simply does not exist then that that is how we will experience it – not because it's true but simply because that’s how the mind works.
So how can we turn that around?
The problem is that you cannot change an existing belief. See, a belief is not just a thought concept; it is an actual, physical manifestation in the brain. Think a thought long enough and often enough and the nerve fibers that are involved in that thought actually, physically reach out to one another and form what’s called synaptic connections. They form bridges over which the thought energy travels. And the more it travels over those bridges, the stronger they become, till, quite literally, we become "set in our ways".
Does this mean that we are stuck?
Well, here’s the good news! Although you can’t change an old thought, you can certainly think of a new one! So, while you can keep on thinking that everybody lies and cheats because that’s what you believe, you can also imagine what you would like to see in a perfect world. In other words, you can daydream a little. Fantasize, if you will. And that is where you will do the actual work. You'll sit down and really think about what you would want your ideal life to look like? What are your deepest personal desires? What are your personal standards and values? What is most important to you? What would your perfect world look? What are your ideals.
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And when you’re really clear on what you want it will also become pretty obviously what your ideal partner would be like since they would have to be someone who has the same values and standards and the same basic ideas about life. So, you can come up with a very detailed description of the ONE person who is your perfect match. It’s very important to realize that you’re not trying to narrow the dating pool down so you’re still picking from the "existing inventory" and adjusting your needs to make it work, somehow. You are creating a specific description of ONE person - THE love of your life. If you have trouble, read The List Method for more information. After you do the work, you'll be surprised to see how easy it is. Because it’s like Rumi said: “Lovers don’t just finally meet somewhere. They were in each other all along.” |
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Kind regards, |
Your fairytale ending awaits IF you're willing to do the work. What if this was your last Valentine's Day alone?
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